


In Honor Of ISD/IDF: "How Slash And Femslash Make You A Better Person"

by puckity



Category: All fandoms
Genre: F/F, International Day of Femslash, International Slash Day, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-07-02
Updated: 2007-07-02
Packaged: 2018-02-07 18:28:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1909251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puckity/pseuds/puckity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An affectionate, tongue-in-cheek homage to International Slash Day (July 1st) and International Day of Femslash (July 19th).</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Honor Of ISD/IDF: "How Slash And Femslash Make You A Better Person"

**Author's Note:**

> Written way back in 2007 as a slapdash manifesto, but I think it bears repeating.
> 
> Feel free to link this around, but please credit.
> 
> You can also follow me on [Tumblr](http://puckity.tumblr.com/).

**"How Slash And Femslash Make You A Better Person"**

1\. _It provides a catalyst for voluntary learning._ There are lots of things people find boring—mathematical theorems, history textbooks, French films. But upon the discovery of even the potential for homoeroticism within a genre, the fem/slasher will pour over the most mundane and musty materials in hopes of gleaning some secret coding for their envisioned OTP. Who would've cared about the double helical model if there hadn't been so much UST between Watson and Crick? Literary masterpieces benefit too; they are read—and _re_ read—in pursuit of that one passage where Mary Crawford lingers too long while embracing Fanny ZOMGSQUEE!!111!!!1

2\. _You learn to appreciate the simple things in life._ Have you ever gone to a shitty movie and found yourself doing nothing except wondering why you are wasting two hours and fifteen minutes of your life watching such a piece of crap? Fem/slashers haven't. Whether it's a fevered look or a feathery touch, or even that proto-typical best-buddies-who-get-drunk-and-do-dumb-things-but-are-always-there-for-each-other subplot, fem/slashers will spot the slashiness. No matter how much the director thought s/he was making a film about the plight of sea lions, the fem/slasher knows the truth. If you've never walked out of an awful film saying, "That was totally worth nine dollars if only for that really gay part...you know, when they hugged _like that_..." then you're seriously missing out.

3\. _You become a more discerning consumer._ While the non fem/slasher often finds themselves in a conundrum when faced with which book to read, which CD to buy, which DVD to rent, etc., the fem/slasher has a fail proof method for such situations. Is there gay? Is there maybe-gay? Is there any hint of subtextual homoeroticism? If the answer is no, then the item is discarded with contempt. Thus many a wasted hour is saved through an effective and simple screening process that then leaves more time for the truly important things in life, like debating whether pairing two female cartoon animals qualifies as femslash or bestiality—or some hideously mutated combination of both.

4\. _You become more open-minded._ The above screening process actually has a two-fold benefit system; along with weeding out the non-gay it also broadens the maybe-gay horizons. Perhaps there is a new band that you are on the fence about, but the second your friend mentions they did a gropy spread in _Blender_ you are suddenly more than willing to torrent their acceptably mediocre songs. You get to jump into pretentious conversations about indie artists (or pretentious conversations about classics—more than one fem/slasher was lured into listening to _November Rain_ by the novelty of Slash slash, though my personal GnR OTPs are Slash/Ridiculously Long Guitar Solos and Axel/A Decent Stylist) without having to reveal that all you really care about is the hawt tour bus sex scene you're writing in your head.

5\. _It fills in the gaps left from Sex Ed._ Penis. Vagina. Scrotum. Fallopian tubes. Let's face it. Sex Ed., at least in America, leaves something to be desired. Like any guidance about _actual sex_. But by the time they are out of high school, most fem/slashers know more about getting jiggy wit it than their peers—and all without having to physically engage in the act. (NOTE: Not that many fem/slashers and/or high school students haven't had some sort of sexual experience, but in this case one does not necessarily influence the other.) Sure, a lot of fics don't really deal with the little details like condoms, lube, and STDs. But those aren't important anyway! Fem/slash is like eating a Boston Crème Pie and not having any of it go to your thighs. And as a special bonus, the things you see/hear/read about in fem/slash are usually enough to make the average adult boggle, if they even know what watersports means in the first place.

6\. _It makes you more tolerant._ To the majority of people, tolerance is not calling the police every time you see a person in a turban buying a nail file. But to the typical fem/slasher, tolerance is passing over—hell, maybe even _reading_ —that fic that splits up your OTP without blowing a gasket. It's understanding that some people want Hiro to bottom while others know that the true sub is Ando, or accepting that some people prefer Huntress with Oracle while others can't see her with anyone but Black Canary (although the cleverest ones know it's all three or nothing). And sometimes, it's even allowing het into OT3s. Plus, there are real world ramifications! Fem/slashers regularly jump into heated arguments concerning some of today's biggest hot button issues: LGBT rights, hate crimes, gay marriage, what—specifically—constitutes child pornography (Bonus: You learn about several international penal codes with this one!), and whether or not inserting fertilized eggs into a mangina is a gross overstepping of medical science. But whatever your feelings on mangina pregnancy, and even though some of us don't get all hot and bothered visualizing Elrond in Arwen's panties, as long as it leads to the hot homoerotic action it's okay with us.

7\. _It improves your analytical skills._ Once in a blue moon, a non fem/slasher may challenge a fem/slasher by stating that their subtextual proof is ALL IN THEIR HEADS. Frequently, this leads to 1) screaming matches, 2) years in therapy for rejection issues, or 3) the non believer being forced to sit through a meticulously prepared presentation of facts supporting the alleged imaginary subtext (if said fem/slasher happens to be myself). But as option #3 clearly shows, the fault in these situations lies not with the fem/slasher for being mildly delusional but rather with the non fem/slasher for not being clever enough to _infer_. So much of modern media is taken at a shockingly surface level that only those brave souls forced to dig for the truth ever gain the skills to find it. Everyone else is left to wander in shallow waters, never aware of the lies that ebb about them.

8\. _You get instant rebel cred without the obligatory multiple piercings or tattoo._ You think your parent(s) got mad when you brought home that 27 year-old professional shark wrestler? That's nothing compared to telling them (or any other superficially non-deviant acquaintance) that you either read or write explicit queer porn—or both! If you are looking for a way to stick it to the man—both figuratively and literally—but have a bothersome needle phobia, you need look no further than fem/slash. And if you find yourself wanting that extra hardcore edge, there's always some xtreme kink you can go after. Chan, incest, bloodplay, breathplay, rape, ultimate D/s, furries. Because nothing says rebel without a cause quite like that screamo!Harry/abusive!Lucius eye socket rape fic you've been dying to write.

9\. _It promotes pacifism._ In a non fem/slash world, there are mortal enemies whose only outlet is to repeatedly try to kill each other in increasingly more destructive and less practical ways. However, in a fem/slash world there are only mortal enemies whose deep-seated mutual hatred simply needs to be fucked out. Repeatedly. The violence is at least dubiously consensual and full of the sexy, and it all ends in cuddling anyway. Unless you have a penchant for hurt/comfort, in which case the violence is not fluffy but everything is fixed by fucking it out. Repeatedly. Where regular folk see retribution as the only solution, the fem/slasher sees a multitude of other positions...I mean, options. Character A killed Character B's great-grandma? Fuck it out. Character A stole Character B's sweetheart? Fuck it out. Character A got the last 100 Grand bar from the vending machine? Oh you better believe they should fuck it out. Now, wouldn't the world be better for everyone if nuclear war was replaced with every hot person fucking it out with every other hot person?

10\. _It is always the solution._ This one should be fairly self-explanatory. Have two politicians you absolutely cannot stand? Slash them. Got a partner who spends more time playing Grand Theft Auto with their best friend than talking with you? Slash them. Need to slog through a 1000 page epic poem by 9AM? Slash it the hell up. Just make sure that when the professor asks you "What was Beowulf doing in the mead hall?" you don't answer "Grendel". Because no matter how much of a craptacular mood a fem/slasher is in, running across the unexpected moment of gayity will always bring a smile to their face. And a naughty little giggle. It's the gift that keeps on giving. It's a cure-all for stress, boredom, frustration, irritation, even grief. Like a non-fat nougat of porny goodness, fem/slash just makes people happy. And happy people are better people. QED, fem/slash makes you a better person.

And there you go. Irrefutable proof that reading/writing/indulging in pretty people doing nasty things with each other is utterly perverted and fully corrupting, and that nothing good or wholesome can come of it. Now go read some queer porn, you filthy godless sodomites!

  
HAPPY INTERNATIONAL DAY OF FEMSLASH AND SLASH DAYS, ALL!


End file.
